“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak.” ~Audre Lorde

As my 41st birthday approaches, I am reflecting on my life since September 22nd of last year. I am amazed and even a little proud of how much I've grown and learned about myself...and about sickle cell.

I've still got a lot of learning and growing to do, but I've come such a long way. I know that my story is worth telling. I have found my value in all of my valleys, but I am still battling and struggling with telling the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth. There are parts of the story that are UGLY. Just downright repugnant, but still, the story needs to be told.

Right now I am feeling weary and am having difficulty speaking....telling my story, even though I know that it is detrimental to my individual growth and possibly even the growth of those who come behind me (primarily my niece, Kyla)

The thing is this that for most of my life, when it came to sickle cell, it has been an out-of-sight-out-of-mind kind of thing. Strange as it may sound, that was my premise. If I wasn't sick at that particular moment, I never thought about sickle cell...until I got sick again. I was a silent sufferer in the truest sense of the word.

Now that my voice is stronger and that I am no longer ashamed or embarrassed by something that I can not change or control, I feel like I should be turning up the volume just a bit. I have met some incredible individuals over the last nine months since I've begun sharing my journey. I believe two things, now more than ever: 1) that my long-suffering over the years has not been in vain...it wasn't about me. It was so that I would have something to say when the time came for me to live out my purpose of inspiring and encouraging fellow-sufferers. It made me relatable...I understand the plight and showed me that I was much stronger than I imagined. Everything that I never thought I'd make it through, I've made it through. AND 2) The journey is So much greater than the destination ;-)

I no longer have a problem with talking about how having sickle cell used to make me feel about myself and my abilities. It's not hard to tell those who suffer alongside of me about my being my long-ago feelings of inadequacies or about how I used to hate my life and the hand I was dealt. I know all about self-pity, self-hatred and depression and I speak on those things (thanks to Dr, Anya Griffin) whenever I can, as often as I can and in as many environments or situations as I can.

BUT, there is still so much more that I have to and need to say - not just for others but for my own well-being. I have yet to tackle my own FEAR. My biggest adversary at the moment. I have permitted FEAR to yoke me by my collar and drag me along like a ragdoll, so even though I've spoken more about sickle cell over the last year of my life than ever, I somehow and sometimes feel that I am still not saying enough.

I know that I am not the only one living in fear. It's not so much a fear of dying or anything like that, but a true fear of going on with my life and doing greater things. I know that living a more fulfilled life will require much of me...much more than I am ready to deal with right now and that is what I am so afraid of. I am terrified of what I know and believe I must do in order to be free from the bonds of my fear.

There are things that I am too afraid and maybe even a little ashamed to share.

So I remain SILENT

But, as my favorite poet stated, I know that "silence has never brought us anything of worth".

So why can't I speak of what concerns and troubles me the most? I am bound by fear and thus, I am stifling and stunting my own growth. If not now, when?

Years ago I wrote these words:

No one cares because no one knows

No one knows because no one cares

How can I speak of what I cannot tell and

How can I tell of what I cannot speak?

This is what is on my heart at this moment, I am praying to overcome...