Angry or am I just being irrational, Im 16 its 5:15 and I cant seem to catch some sleep
Uncontrollable emotions followed by an uncontrollable pain
As I write tears are flowing, and I can feel the blood sickle through my veins
Im so sick and tired of living this life, but who is to blame. I've never been so afraid to die, a feeling of incompetence makes me feel ashamed
I have a appointment tomorrow to talk about transfusions. Because I've had acute chest over 12 times, in the last five years, and my lungs just cant seem to catch a break
Im worried because this is a pain that I have never felt, I feel like there is some sort of contraption holding on to my chest, back and ribs, which I can feel in my every breath.
Im so sick of this taste in my mouth,
I reek of morphine and antibiotics, but I still put a smile on my face,
Yet I feel as though my family doesnt truly understand
Sometimes I sit back and wonder why?
Why in the world do I have this FUCKED UP disease,
it makes me stronger, but its still sucks,
But i only have two questions
When does life get better, and when will my pain end?

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Comment by Twyla Clark on September 26, 2010 at 1:04am
Awwwwwww I am so heartbroken reading this! I too used to feel this way when I was much younger! I used to feel like God was punishing me for sumthin. I used to just get so sick and tired of beig sick and tired!!! It will get better! Just hold on to God's unchanging hand and dnt give up! Keep the faith!!!
Comment by Brandon Williams on February 15, 2010 at 2:50am
Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to say thank you for all the words of advice and encouragement. Im doing a lot better, Im back in school, back to hanging with friends, and back to feeling like myself. I really do appreciate all of you, because people seriously doubt how much words can have an impact on people in such a great way. Im keeping my head up, and looking to God.

Much love,
Comment by Sickle Cell Warrior on February 13, 2010 at 7:05am

All the emotions that we go through, are there for a purpose. You have a right to be angry, and to vent out your frustrations. When I was 16, I went through many epic emotional breakdowns, and I didn't just stick to anger. I cried, I blamed God, I retreated from the world, I was depressed. I took out that anger on my family and friends. I did everything that you shouldn't do---instead of processing my emotions, I inflicted it on the world and people around me, people that loved me.

The questions you ask are the same ones that we all have. Why was I given this disease? Why do I have to deal with this constant, agonizing pain? Why me?

The only thing that I have found consolation with is that with sickle cell I have a life of purpose. I don't have to search for what my purpose is in life, it is already imprinted in my DNA. I am here to survive this disease as a beautiful testimony for others to be inspired by. If all I do is inspire one person...a colleague, a nurse, a patient...another sickle cell warrior with my attitude towards my illness, then I have served my purpose.

I could wallow in pity and allow myself to feel like a victim of fate...or I could get up off the floor---and live. Live loving....and live long.
Comment by Ali on February 5, 2010 at 8:41pm
Hello Brandon,
I am so sorry to hear that you are in severe pain at this time. I understand your pain because I have felt the pain that you described. I am 42 years old. It does end. I pray that you can be blessed the way that I was. Around the age of 20 things got better. Less crisis and less hospitalizations. The pain can end. I don't know for how long, but keep praying and you may one day experience a day without pain. Keep putting the smile on your face. Talk about it when you need to. I am grateful for this forum. I never had this before. I am the only one of my parent's children with the disease. I am sorry that there is nothing that I can say to take away your pain, but just know that you are not alone.

Comment by Trish on February 4, 2010 at 12:58pm
Hey Angry....its okay to be ANGRY, to fuss and cuss, to cry and stomp! Do what you need to do to get through this but get through this. Life is what you make it, don't let it make you. This is not about anyone else, its about you.....I won't sit here and tell you how I've gotten through my own pain and how I've suffered from sickle cell because everyone's story is different and everyone deals with things differently. All I can say is you are not alone, I don't know you personally but I care for YOU....And I truly hope and pray it gets better for you.

Much Luv
Comment by P.Allen Jones on February 3, 2010 at 6:01pm
Angry...I understand how you feel. We all feel this way, one day or another. (We feel your pain.) But, I'm here to tell you (at age 50) that there is happiness, hope and a good life for you (if you want it).
It's all about YOUR ATTITUDE.
You gotta fight this SCD thing....fight it with a positive attitude...never get stuck inside a pity party (why me, why sickle cell, why anything).
Go ahead cry, then wipe your eyes and get back up and fight again! This is what has worked for me (with 50 years of pain) and I've still got my boxing gloves up....
Comment by Daraya Green on February 3, 2010 at 1:35am
I can't answer that, but I def know what your going through ! It's hard, but keep staying strong & know that I'm here if you ever need to talk & I'll be praying for you !
Comment by Marcus McKinley on February 1, 2010 at 10:03pm
GOD gave you disease for a reason, stay strong1!

Marcus M.
Comment by Angela Davis-Beckford on January 30, 2010 at 1:59am
I can't say that I know your pain; my daughter has Sickle cell and I know what we have been through. You really need to talk to someone within your family and try to make them understand, it is not helpful for you to keep all of your emotion bottle up. Do you current keep a journey? Just know that I will be praying for you. Love you and take care of yourself

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